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just talked to my dad (who i kind of sort of know) on the phone and

he told me he stopped drinking 😱

him, my mom, and i have all struggled severely with alcoholism and now NONE OF US DRINK ANYMORE (19 years for my mom, 2 coming on 3 years in february for me, and 11 months for my dad.) he’s been a heavy drinker since his teens and his alcoholic dad traumatized him and he got caught in some fucked up cycle for half a century… well this december, he had an aneurysm and while discussing options post-surgery he did the unthinkable and asked his doctor “what if i stopped drinking?”

he sounded clear and calm on the phone in a way ive NEVER HEARD HIM IN MY LIFE BEFORE!!! he was actually listening to what i was saying and responding… i will not get my hopes up to have a reliable parent once my mom dies… but

maybe he’s becoming some kind of real human being finally at 68 years old

december 2024 moodboard

Source: ahikersdream

dailyoverview:

The urban plan of the L’Eixample district in Valencia, Spain, is characterized by long straight streets, a strict grid pattern crossed by wide avenues, and apartments with communal courtyards. A similar layout was used for the district of the same name in Barcelona.

See more here: https://bit.ly/3BNJwkY

39.464722°, -0.370000°

Source imagery: Maxar

caretaking my mom can be incredibly difficult on an emotional level mostly bc she sometimes gets really cruel and insults me on the deepest levels she can LOL but the last two days were honestly amazing… i think i’m actually gonna be able to heal the trauma of the thanksgiving 11 years ago when she split into religious delusions and did a number of deeply abusive things i wont list here, told me i wasnt her child and i was satan’s now, left the apartment and blocked my phone number for a week and i had no idea when she would return (at some points i worried she never would)… that helped stoke the stupidest most waste-of-time fear of abandonment & it fucks with me so much still

BUT for the first time since 2013 it was just us two on thanksgiving (we didnt celebrate it most years or we were with extended family) and we had such a good day. it’s so hard with her. i cut her a lot of slack because she’s literally dying, idrc what she says to me at this point, it only hurts in the moment now somehow… afterwards it disappears because it doesn’t fucking matter, only the love i have for her matters. any hurt she sends my way i will receive with love and respond with love. but anyway WE actually have now started paving over that old pain (which traumatized her too i know) and i have something to remember now going forward each late november, not just pain and fear and confusion and shame. ❣️

this is our last winter holidays together, in all likelihood. i’m lucky she even wants me around, there were so many times she wanted nothing to do with me lol. we’re seriously closer than we’ve ever been, she does compliment me too, and we eat weed gummies and watch tv for hours and just laugh, smoke cigarettes out the patio door cause its 5 degrees outside… she trusts me to confide in about how weird it is to have parts of your body dying but still be walking around alive. ALS is such a weird disease. i wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.