being in the shadow of soon-coming-but-who-knows-when Big Grief since june 2023 (after actually grieving for the first time the prior fall) has changed my relationship to death in a remarkable and irrevocable way and it used to make me feel horribly alien and out-of-step with other humans even more than i already was, and it still does sometimes, but i also would never want to go back to how i felt before somehow. i think about death every single day and not just in the suicidal sense. i guess i don’t understand feeling primarily negative about death as a concept 🤷🏻‍♀️ but it’s more complicated than that